And Maybe I Would Let You Die
by Senom Vefeth
Summary: Harry is a cowered. Lacking the guts to tell people how he really feels, he takes his anger out on himself. The last thing he ever wanted was for someone to find out. [My take on a Cliché plot. Somewhat AU because the war is mostly ignored.]
1. prologue: I fall short

"How'd you do on the potions test mate?" Ron Weasley asked to his friend across the table over lunch.

"Alright" Harry potter smiled brightly "No need to ask what you got eh, 'mion?" He laughed gently her sticking her tongue out playfully at him in response.

"You're so cute when you pretend to be angry" Ron said pinching her lightly on the cheek which led to more sickeningly cute exchanges between the two of them.

'_every damned meal' _Harry thought as he got up to leave, obviously resentful of the public displays of affection going on across the table from him.

"Oh, Harry, do stay!" The girl looked up looking as though she had just realized her surroundings.

"Yeah, didn't mean to make it awkward for you especially what with you not having a girl- oww!" The other boy was cut off by his girlfriend striking him on the head. Smiling sweetly she turned to Harry hoping to make up for the uncomfortable lunch hour she was creating for him.

"I'd really much rather talk to you than that idiot anyways."

"No, it's okay, you two just go back to what you were doing. I was wanting to leave anyways." Harry said seeming very eager to get somewhere.

"Nonsense, I won't be ably to talk to you later because of the game tonight! now sit back down…"

--

Four hours later Harry felt exactly like the mud he was covered in.

"Don't look so sad! There will be other games. We can salvage ourselves!" Fred Weasley clapped him on the back.

"Right, of course!" He smiled determinedly.

"Now come one let's get showered" The other twin said heading toward the change room.

"Oh, I forgot my towel up in the dorm"

"Don't worry about it, you can borrow mine when I'm done with it"

"uh, I'll be in, in a bit, I just want to take a little walk to cool down."

"suite yourself" The twins rang out in unison before disappearing inside the change rooms leaving Harry alone. Sighing he began to walk toward the lake.

'_I stink at sports' _He thought plopping down next to a tree.

' _no one would stop for a moment to think I might be lying to them. No one cares enough to spend that long thinking about how I feel.'_

Resting against a tree he rolled up the sleeve of his shirt to reveal horizontal scars covering his entire forearm.

'_Well I feel like shit.'_

Taking out a pocket knife he drew a line on his arm

'_I failed the test'_

He made another line.

'_I hate when those two muck over each other in front of me'_

He made another line.

'_But who cares? It's just Harry'_

Blood formed in beads on the cuts and slid own his arm.

'_I'm alone'_

He looked down at the cuts, at the blood, at the scars. They told a story, and to him they were a beautiful expression of everything he could never find the means to express any other way.

"What the hell?"

Startled out of his mind Harry turned to see the last person he would want to see under any circumstances.

"Draco!"


	2. you know I'm in control

"What the hell?" Draco asked again looking completely horrified.

"It's none of your business" Harry quickly rolled his sleeve down, waves of shame washing over him.

"Obviously it's none of my business, Potter, but if you saw someone doing something as 'effed up as this, could you help yourself from taking advantage of it?"

"What are you getting at Malfoy?"

A triumphant grin spread across the other boys face.

"Does your little trio know about this? How do you think they would react if I told them?"

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Wouldn't I?" Draco moved a step closer, "What are you going to do to stop me?"

Harry recognized his defeat, and briefly considered just strangling the other boy and leaving his body in the lake. Fortunately, he decided that this wouldn't help matters much.

"What do I have to do to keep your mouth shut?"

"Well, now! So eager to be at my mercy Potter? Who said I was going to ask you to do anything?"

"Well, if that's the case, then get out of my way." Harry made to move past the other boy, only to gasp in pain when Draco caught him by his still bleeding forearm.

"I don't want you to for anything for me right now," He ran his hand down the boys wrist, "but we're not through with this."

Harry shoved him in the chest, and ran off angrily leaving the smiling Draco by the lake.

'_Who the hell does he think he is' _Harry thought as he ran. _'does even the tiniest bit of compassion escape him? He didn't even care that maybe I was hurting, what an asshole!'_

He shook his head furiously.

'_but then… did I expect him to care? I don't think anyone cares.'_

--

Harry woke up the next day to find his dorm empty, everyone else having gone to breakfast leaving him asleep.

'_Shit, guess I won't have time for breakfast.' _He thought quickly dressing and throwing books into his bag for morning classes. As he dashed to the door he spied from the corner of his eye a pocket knife laying on his bedside table.

'_I've gotten so careless!' _He berated himself as he picked up the knife and carefully stowed it in his bag. _'I guess it's not like they would see the knife and make the connections, but I really should be more careful. If someone were to find out-'_

And then he remembered what he had tried to forget from the night before.

'_At least it was just him. At least it wasn't someone who I actually care about. If I can keep his mouth shut maybe, I'll be okay… and if I can't keep his mouth shut… there's always suicide…'_

Stepping out into the hallway, he found his two best friends getting rather physical.

"You ready for class?" Ron asked him, completely unfazed.

"Uh, yeah, let's go" Harry had become very good at disguising his annoyance, and neither noticed when he began walking several feet in front of them.

"Potter" Draco sauntered up to him smiling jeeringly "Come with me"

"He's not going anywhere with you, Malfoy." Ron stepped in between the two.

"besides, he's got classes!" Hermione chimed in

"Oh, but I think Potter wants to come with me," Draco smiled evilly, reaching around Ron and grabbing Harry by the wrist, "don't you Potter?" He squeezed his arm slightly, "say that you want to come with me."

Harry could feel cuts on his arm re-opening under his shirt sleeve.

"You guys go to class, I'll catch up." He said, as he was helplessly lead away by the arm.

"What do you want, Malfoy" He asked as soon as he was sure there was no one around to hear.

"You know, I thought it over last night, and I came to the conclusion that I genuinely am curious as to how this started."

"Don't speak so lightly about it! Since when do you even care about anyone but yourself?"

Draco gave a look as though he had just been accused of something dreadful, "Who said I care about anyone but myself? Iwant you to tell meyour story, because quite honestly it makes no sense to me why a person would do that sort of thing" He gestured to Harry's arm.

"Of course _you_ wouldn't understand! You have no idea what it's like to be unhappy!" Harry obviously meant this as an insult, but Draco's smile only widened.

"Right you are, Potter! Which is why I'm so intrigued by those who do know what that's like. Now tell me, how long has this been going on?"

"Fine, but if I tell you, you have to promise never to bother me again."

"I will do no such thing! You mistake me for an empathetic man of compromise, either you tell your story to me, or I will tell it to your friends." He said plopping down on the floor in an alcove and patting the ground for Harry to come sit as well.

'_why didn't I drown him in the lake when I had the chance… but at least… someone cares…'_

"It started seven years ago when I was nine" Harry said reluctantly coming to sit.

"Really!? That long? Wow, so what was the original cause that made you want to start doing this" Draco spoke like an interviewer much to the annoyance of Harry who hated him for not taking it more seriously.

"It started because I was nine years old, completely alone, and had nothing." Harry's words were fast from being both cross and uncomfortable about sharing such personal details, "Then one day I was thinking about how much I hate everything about life, and not being able to handle it, and I got so upset I threw a glass I had been washing at the wall." He began to speak slower as he was consumed by nostalgia, "and then, when I went to pick it up… I'll never forget the way it felt when the glass sliced open my finger and the pain because the only thing I was aware of. It was like everything faded away and that was only the thing that mattered anymore"

Draco noticed Harry's hand subconsciously moving into his bag.

"Do you have a knife in there?" He asked as casually as one would ask the time of day.

"What?" Harry looked up startled as though he had been completely absorbed in thoughts of self harm, "no, I don't usually carry one with me" He lied.

"May I see your arm?" Draco asked the same crass way a small child might.

"No!" Harry looked offended.

"Whatever," Draco shook it off with a wave of his hand, "I've already missed my first class, so I should be on my way" getting up he strode from the alcove without a glance back.

'_Asshole'_ Harry thought once he was alone. _'How could he act like that while forcing me to tell him what I've never told anyone in my life?' _He felt both used and violated,_ 'and to think I would show him! Why, so that he can just sit there with that damned smile on his ugly face? ... But, at the same time, he sort of surprised me the way he almost seemed like maybe he cared.'_


	3. Wipe the Smile off Your Face

Ron and Hermione arrived to potions after spending a large portion of their lunch hour searching for their friend who had been missing since Draco abducted him that morning, and their imaginable worry was only increased when they entered the room to find said abductor to be grinning his head off.

"Hey, you! What did you do to Harry this morning?" Ron stomped up to him.

"I have a name, fire crotch," Draco said lazily rendering Ron both bright red and speechless. "Besides,_ I_ did absolutely no harm to him." He added with a malicious grin.

"What the hell are you on about? If I find out you've gotten him hurt somehow, so help me…"

"Relax Weasel, no one laid a hand on him. He's probably just off hiding from the obnoxiousness of you and squirrel-girl over there." Draco laughed to himself obviously enjoying his joke, and taking out a quill, he scratched down what Ron could just make out to say 'squirrel girl-HILLARIOUS!' and mumbled to himself "got to remember that one…" Unable to control himself anymore Ron landed a punch on Draco's cheek, finally managing to wipe off that smile that he had damned over a hundred times.

"You're going to wish you didn't do that Weasel." By now the whole class was staring as the blond boys grin spread back across his face. "I'm going to make you suffer for daring to touch me."

"You'll do no such thing!" Harry said appearing between the two other boys.

"Ron, stay away from him. Malfoy, you piss off and stay away from my friends."

"Your friends? I thought you were all alone in the world." Draco said striding off to his seat to wait for the arrival of the teacher so that class could commence. Leaving Ron looking quizzically at Harry who just shook his head telling him to "forget it."

"Ron, what were you thinking?" Hermione asked once the shock of the previous incident had worn off, and they were working on their potions.

"I don't know, babe, it's just when he started making fun of you, it's like I lost my mind or something." Ron touched her hair protectively.

"You've got to have more common sense from now on! You could land yourself in serious trouble with that hot head of yours!"

"Yes but what he said…"

Their conversation continued in this manner and Harry tuned out as they began to make kissy faces at each other.

'_Don't they even care where I was all day?' _Not aware that they had been looking all over for him, nor that the fight earlier had been about him. _'Probably didn't even notice. Probably were too concerned with each other. Or maybe they did notice and didn't bother to care because they were glad that for once they could be alone and didn't have to put up with a stupid third wheel.' _

As he thought this, he grasped his left wrist, looking toward the knives they were using to cut up various magical roots with.

'_no, I can't! Not here' _Pushing the thought from his mind he glanced over to Draco Malfoy who was holding up his hand so as to be in plain view from across the room.

"Oh, look! I cut my finger." He exclaimed overdramatically gaining confused looks from both houses, "Oh, my! Look at all this blood!" giving a look in Harry's direction, he placed his bleeding finger seductively in his mouth to catch the blood. The cursed grin beamed from beneath his eyes as he could see that his act was having the desired affect; As he predicted, the sight of blood was invoking the same reaction within Harry as the smell of Vodka would from an alcoholic.

Hermione glanced from Draco's bizarre display to Harry's clammy hands running through his hair, and back and forth and back and forth before her face crumpled into a look of utter confusion.

"Mr. Malfoy, do you require medical assistance?" Snape said exasperated by the boys outlandish behavior, "or perhaps the aid of a psychiatrist is required today?"

"Just a bandage will do today, Sir" Malfoy answered like a diligent student. "I'd better go to the infirmary, though, who knows what might have gotten into a cut what with all the ingredients we've been working with."

"Just, go… please" Snape turned to return to his desk rubbing his temples and stopped in front of Harry, "Are you alright, boy, you're looking rather pale"

Harry figured he must be looking bad for Snape to bother mentioning it to him, but merely nodded his head meekly, and the rest of class passed uneventfully with Harry counting the seconds until he got out of class so that he could head straight to the knife in his book bag.


	4. helps to know you cought me when I fell

Harry walked up to the door of the great hall over half way through dinner after having been given a detention for skipping most of his classes that day.

'_Just my luck,' _he thought miserably, _'It was that asses fault I missed my classes to begin with, if I have to have detention with him, I'll kill him.'_

He stopped in front of the over sized doors in time to see Ron and Hermione exit though it and look up startled to see him as though they had been talking about something they didn't want him to hear.

'_Could they have been talking about me?' _he thought, _'What if they know? What if they found out? What if he told them? God I'll kill him!' _Harry's body tensed up with anxiety, but deep down, he was happier than he had been for a long time, because finally they had paid enough attention to him to find out what he had been hiding from them. Even though he would die to keep them from finding out, a part of him secretly wanted them to find out, because he really was starved for attention on a personal level. This however was not how he felt on the surface, and the desire to keep his shame a secret over rid and need for attention.

"Oh, Harry," Hermione spoke after a few seconds, "was wondering why you weren't at dinner"

'_yeah, right, probably didn't even notice I wasn't there.'_

"Ron and I wanted to erm, talk to you about something," She spoke tentatively.

'_oooohhhh shit'_ Alarm bells were going off in Harry's brain.

"Can we go up to the dorms and talk about this?" She said unsurely seeming rather unlike herself.

"I don't know what you're talking about, so whatever you have to say, you can say it here" he was starting to feel sick knowing perfectly well what this conversation was leading up to.

"I'd really rather we talk in private." She pressed.

'_this is about me, not her, what does she care about privacy?'_

"Look no one's here, whatever you have to say, just say it." He said very crossly evoking a small jump from Hermione, and a cross look from Ron who put a protective arm around her shoulders.

"Well?" his temper was getting the better of him due to having missed both breakfast and lunch.

"Well, I umm, I… Harry, I'm pregnant."

Harry's expression froze as he tried to comprehend the bomb that had just been dropped on him. It was at this point that the part of him that would have died to keep his secret subsided leaving open range for the part of him that was dying for someone to pay attention and care about him, and before he knew it he had lost control to his outrage that once again; it was all about them.

"You slut" He spat before thinking.

"Now look here!" Ron jumped in furiously.

"No! You look here! I guess you think it should be about you right? Well, it's always about you! All you care about is each other, and ever since the beginning, I've come second place! Why? Because you two are 'in love'!" Harry grimaced angrily and Hermione started crying, "Well I'll tell you what love is, It's not some magical sugar coated energy force from fairy tale land; 'love' is nothing more than a way to boost your pathetic egos. You enjoy spending time together because Ron, she makes you feel like less of the pathetic no body you are, and makes you feel like you have some kind of purpose, are good for something; which you're NOT! And you want to be with him, because he's constantly standing up for you when people get angry at you for being such an obnoxious, ugly, who-"

He was cut off by Ron pouncing on him and delivering blow after blow while yelling for him to take it back. Harry's eyes began to sting, but he refused to let himself cry. Instead, he silently prayed for someone- anyone to come and undo the mess he made. What he got, unfortunately, was far from what he prayed for.

"Well, he was right you know" Harry looked up from between his arms that he was using to shield his head to see Draco Malfoy holding Rons arm in mid swing. He could hardly believe it.

'_Is Draco Malfoy... protecting me?'_

"Fuck off Malfoy, this has nothing to do with you!" Ron said, trying to break loose.

"Oh, really? I would love nothing more than to get a teacher and have you both loose points with a likely chance of detention every night for the rest of the year, but Potter and I have detention now, so I suggest you get off him now." Draco finished by pulling Rons arm backwards in a way that made him grunt in pain until he was forced to climb off from his perch on Harry's chest.

"Fuck this, I'm through with you, Harry" He spat as a hysterically sobbing Hermione threw herself into his arms.

"come, we've got detention" Draco snapped his fingers at Harry before walking off down the hall. Harry gave one miserable, sympathetic look at his two now former friends, before following the other boy down the hall stopping, however at the boys' bathroom.

Locking the door, he sunk to the floor.

'_what have I done?' _removing a knife from his pocket and pressing it hard against his wrist, he felt his nerves relax as the knife slid across his skin. He watched as if in slow motion as the skin parted where the knife had traveled, and blood began to spill out. All his previous cares were lost and a morbid smile danced across his lips as the blood seemingly washed away his thoughts as it poured from his veins. He watched peacefully for what seamed like forever before he began to feel concern.

'_Why is it still bleeding? It's not that deep is it? I was so upset; I must have gone deeper than I thought.' _

He panicked, ripping a portion from the hem of his robe he pressed it to his arm, hoping to slow it from bleeding a little. Knowing that Draco would know what he had been up to if he showed up late for detention, and feeling ashamed enough about his indulgence, he quickly tied the strips of cloth around his arm, and rushed off to the detention room.

"Umm, Malfoy," He said when he had finally caught up to him.

"What?" Draco looked up peevishly.

"uh, well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but thanks… for earlier."

Draco's face lost the cross look that it usually carried, and he looked up from where he sat with a very surprised expression.

"You're thanking me... For what I did earlier? I think you should know as well as I do that I wasn't helping you. As much as I hate you, I hate the weasel even more, and was just paying him back for what he did to me earlier."

"I know" Harry shrugged, "but still… thanks."

"No talking!" The teacher in charge of detention that night rapped the table with a meter stick, and Harry took a seat on the opposite side of the room from the other boy.

Draco watched him from where he sat. It was true that he was mainly just getting back at Ron for having punched him earlier, but a small part of him was still human, he couldn't help but want to defend someone he knew was already suffering. From across the room he heard Harry's stomach grumble. His eyebrows knit together. He hadn't seen him at any meals today, come to think of it. He looked pale and very faint. Draco could only imagine he'd lost blood today. Under normal circumstances, he would hardly have concerned himself, but this was slightly different. The fact that only days before he thought Harry held the world in his hands, made it somewhat alarming to find how little the boy really had.

"_because I was nine years old, completely alone, and had nothing"_

Harry's words from that morning rang through his mind. If he was still cutting himself now, it must mean that nothing's changed much since then. Draco rested his head in his hands and tried to comprehend this. He had always tried to hard to make sure he was superior to Harry, never for once realizing how pathetic he really was. The world's savior was nothing more than a helpless little boy.

An hour later, Harry was walking from the detention room, mentally berating himself for what he'd done earlier.

'_even if the are self-centered and even if they do ignore me seventy percent of the time, they didn't deserve that'_

His empty stomach rumbled angrily, and he swayed a little on his feet.

'_besides, when it comes down to it… they're all I have' _he thought before correcting himself, _'I guess, I should make that **were **all I had'_

He began to feel more and more faint. He moved to brace himself on the railing, but instead found himself falling forward on the stairs. Out of no where he felt a warm hand grab hold of his cold one, and looked up to see the last person he'd expected to be saving him two times that day.


	5. despite myself, I had to save you

Draco stood on the stairs, one hand gripping the rail for dear life, the other holding that of the barely conscious Harry Potter. The sweat on the other boy's hand was making it hard to hold onto, and he knew if he let go of the rail to get a better hold of him, they would both be taking a trip down the stairs.

"Potter, I'm going to need you to stand up." He said, not evoking no response. He was sure Harry couldn't hear him anymore.

'_just let go,' _a voice inside him was saying _'no point in risking your neck. If he can't save himself, you shouldn't bother either.'_

Draco thought about it for a moment, as perspiration began to gather on his face.

"No." He decided resolutely, "I can do this with or without his co-operation. I won't let him fall."

Gripping Harry's hand tight as he could, he jerked it toward himself, bringing the limp body along with it, which softly thudded into his own. Staggering a little under the slightly larger boys' weight, he tried to hoist him into a position where he could safely carry him down the stairs, only to begin blushing like mad, when Harry did his work for him by wrapping his arms around his neck, and resting his head contently on his shoulder.

"geeze, Potter" He muttered embarrassedly. as he made his way awkwardly down the stairs, holding onto the rail to keep himself steady until he reached the bottom panting.

Propping Harry limply against the wall, he figured he should check his arms incase it was serious, when he was met with protest by the boy he thought was no longer conscious.

"no… don't want you to see…" Harry whispered as Draco moved to touch his arm.

"I won't tell anyone about it. I just have to make sure you're not going to die or something" His voice had the usual annoyed sound in it, but there was something different about it, it held an almost gentleness that was completely lost on Harry.

"Don't want you to see…. Don't want anyone to see… I'm… ashamed" He muttered drunkenly.

What Harry said surprised Draco, and he found himself feeling a deep sympathy towards the pathetic creature in front of him, who only moments ago, had wrapped his arms around him like a baby seeking comfort from it's mother.

'_Potter never had a mother' _he noted as he proceeded to lift his sleeves which were stiff with what he would have bet his life on was blood. A hand rose to his mouth in disbelief, and he felt like he was going to be sick as he stared down at the mess before him. The parts of flesh that weren't badly cut up and torn at were riddled with scars, the coloring of which ranged from blues and purples for the more resent ones and silvery pinks for the ones Draco was sure must be years old. He couldn't imagine living with scars like that for so long, and having to hide them from everyone.

"Christ, Potter, how could you do this to yourself?" He gasped, wishing he was proficient with healing charms. He stared into the face he was sure would bring him no answers and noticed a tear falling from one of the closed eyes.

"That's why I didn't want you to see" Harry whispered brokenly, "...that's why I was so ashamed."

Despite his personal feelings for the boy, Draco found himself feeling more compassion for him than he could ever remember feeling for anyone as he tore strips from Harry's already torn robe, using them to bandage his arms.

'_How could he have kept this hidden so long? Does no one really care about him enough to notice him?' _Draco cursed the people Harry had once referred to as friends, _'must not, after all, if someone had cared enough to notice, he probably wouldn't be doing it in the first place. Can't imagine what that would be like… to be so alone like he is.' _ He finished tying the last one, when he noticed Harry had fallen asleep and he was forced to contemplate what to do with him at the present moment.

'_well, I can't get into his dorm, and he certainly can't come back to mine with me. Even if those were options, I doubt I could carry him much further… I guess I'm going to have to leave him here' _He concluded feeling a little guilty as he got up to leave. He paused a moment in the doorway and turned removing his robe which he placed over Harry.

"look what you've done to me." He said more to himself than the sleeping boy. "I only wish I could hate you for it…" he finished as he strode out of the stair well in his pants and undershirt, leaving Harry to wake up hours later in the coldest part of the morning, wondering why he was at the bottom of the stairs.

'_that's right, I must have fallen' _he thought, but then noticed the robe wrapped around him. _'no… someone caught me… Malfoy'_

Then he remembered something Draco had said the night before, _"I won't let him fall." _


End file.
